My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
