captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
