Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
