your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Randomize
