I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
