I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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