4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
