Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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