Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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