Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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