Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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