I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
