and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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