I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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