I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
