He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
