what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
