Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
