So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
no you cant smoke seaweed
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
