im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
