non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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