I can tuck mytits in my pants
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize