Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
