I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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