is your mom at the bar?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
