as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
