Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
