One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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