You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
