I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
