Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
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Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
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I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So. Much. Porn.
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