Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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