too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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