I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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