im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
