his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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