she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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