I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
