i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
