Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
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