I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
