Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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