Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
well you can't waste a boner
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
