who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
