oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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