How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
