i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
