You made me cry and you don't even care
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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