Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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