life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
