I think i peed on brittanys purse
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
