last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
