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hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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