You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
