The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
