fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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