i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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