DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
