You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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