Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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