he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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